Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
