I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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