Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
