Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
