I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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