i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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