how can u be prego again
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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