like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
