true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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