You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
