Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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