I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
