last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
