You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
