I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
