i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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