My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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