Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
