help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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