i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
