I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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