Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
