i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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