Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
