Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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