question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
