even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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