My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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