guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
