I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
