I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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