i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He? As in you personified your dick?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
