I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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