the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
