I can tuck mytits in my pants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
