I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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