If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
