I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
