I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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