He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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