I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
