Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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