it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
