I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
