btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
