He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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