So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
