bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
