I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
