Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
