One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She told me I should be a condom model.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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