That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The feeling are messing with the penis
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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